Cauliflower and Running

I've begun to hit the slow grind that is a juice fast. I lost much less today than on previous days. And that's normal. My chart shows expectations and sets the bar pretty low. I plan to do three phases of juice fasting throughout the summer. I'll enjoy my birthday on June 27th, the 4th of July, and my husband's birthday (July 31) as eating holidays, and I'll be off juice for the week of my birthday when we're at a friend's wedding.

This 75-day fast is a kickoff point. I'll end this fast on June 19. I'm going to reward myself with going to see my favorite hairstylist and also with a pedicure on the 19th. Perhaps I'll break the fast by taking my husband out for dinner with my new 'do and healthier bod. I expect to be about 1/3 of the way to my goal at that point.

From the 19th to July 5th will be regular food. I want to experiment with lower calorie recipes and try to decide when I need a whole meal and when something small will do. I'd like to just not gain weight from the end of that fast to the 5th of July. I don't plan to lose any weight for those days. Just maintain. Then I'll hop back onto a juice fast from July 5 to July 30. On the 31st, I plan to surprise my husband with something really fun and we'll be having dinner that day. I'll take the weekend to eat food, and then Monday, it'll be back to juice until I hit my goal weight which could be somewhere in the middle of September or early October.

When I'm eating, I want to try recipes involving cauliflower such as these: 

Or this beautiful set of 23 ways to use cauliflower. Some of them sound so good!

And there's this way to roast veggies. 

I just want to put my kitchen creativity to some new challenges. I also still want to cook the gourmet things I enjoy like French onion soup, homemade bread, my amazing pot roast, and so forth. But those things need to become treats, not the norm. As much as they're delicious, they need to happen sparsely interspersed among the healthy replacements. 

And then there's exercise. I'm about to head out the door for a really nice, long walk. I'd love for it to be a run, but my body's not ready for that yet. I need to fall in love with moving. The problem is that I've fallen quite in love with running, but it's been quite clear to me: running does not love me. I hope to make running love me through consistent effort and maybe even some nice gifts. Maybe I'll find a way to convince running that we can go steady?

So far, it turns out running is a fickle mistress, however. So I have to do all kinds of deviant things to hide the truth of my intentions toward running. I first began running before my wedding. I ran for 6 months. Of all absurd things, I wore Converse shoes and I never had any issues with my body rejecting running. I ran a consistent 30 minutes per day. It was glorious. And then I got married and bought a proper pair of running shoes and suddenly excruciating shin splints were part of my life. 

Here's where I got with running:

At first, I pushed through the shin splints. I ended up unable to walk for several days, and then I gave up. Then my weight fluctuated for a while. I finally found the determination to work out again when I was about to move to Africa. So I trained for a race. These pictures are from when I trained for a 10k race. I ran it with a fine time and had so much fun. I wasn't exactly where I want to be with my fitness, but I was well on my way. Then I found stress eating and it liked me more than running. Whenever I'd return to running, I'd try everything that could help. I went to ice and elevation, I tried muscle activation therapy, I tried stretching and counter-active exercises, even some PT. I have tried just about everything that can be tried. I still don't want to give up on running, but for now, I'll just walk until that doesn't hurt.

Below is me the day of my 10k Bolder Boulder race. Gotta love the photo bombers in the background. They're pretty great. Welcome to my blog, boys!

Africa was tough. None of it went the way I wanted it to go. And I found myself falling away from caring for myself at all. After several years of circling the drain, this is me last Fall. I am working hard to hide the bulge that sits on my lap.

My chin has disappeared into my neck. My cheeks look like they're attached to my ears, and I don't have cheekbones. It was when I got my first stomach stretch mark that I decided things were messed up and I wanted to make a change. I have drastically altered my responsibilities and my life looks entirely different from what it used to. By now, I beg people not to take pictures of me. I avoid being in the front row of forced group pictures, and I don't like to look in the mirror. It works well because my house is in a state of construction, so there's no way I CAN look in a mirror. I'm working on that, too. I'm doing projects here to finish my bathroom so I can have a mirror to look in when I do my makeup and so forth. I think a healthy relationship with myself is a good place to start in becoming healthy all over.

I'm planning to register for a race this summer. I'm nervous because the last time I tried to run, it ended in disaster. I have taken up running probably no fewer than 5 times in the past 7 years. And each time, I've given up for some reason. The pictures above before the 10k race are the best I've done without a wedding looming over my head. And then I quit running because I moved to a country where it's not socially acceptable for women to exercise.

So below is me this January in San Diego. I'm clearly trying to hide behind that tiny camera bag. I'm constantly self-conscious.

Below is a picture of me from just last week. Granted, I was allergy-infused as well. But still. I think this is a pretty telling photo. Gotta love me trying to hide behind a baby. Right?

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Well, I have goals. I have intentions. And I'm following through on them for the first time in a long time. I'm fighting for me because I believe I'm worth it. Hope you're fighting with all you've got, too!

I'm going to go take a walk and build something. Cheers!

Not so fast, juice fast

There's a pretty intense misnomer with a juice fast. There's nothing fast about it. It's constant. It's lengthy. And it goes by very slowly. The same thing I said earlier about living only in the present is still true. It's also not that easy.

I've been musing about food for a while now. I've fallen head-over-heels in love with cooking. I love making new things and that's led me to wonder if I should pursue that. At the very least, some good cooking classes are in order.

At first, this fast has felt very much like being a fish out of water. I'm a foodie. C'mon. What's going on here?

But I've begun to realize it's just another way for me to grow my appreciation for food. This morning as I drove home after taking Jason to work, I was daydreaming about beans. Yep. Beans. How sumptuous. (Not really, usually.)

Yesterday, I was starting to crave roasted vegetables.

Perhaps this really will change my outlook. And then I can be a foodie who eats a plant-based diet as per the books I've read for a while now. I ascribe (mentally) to the Michael Pollan approach to food:

"Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much."

Simple? Not really. But it's also not as complicated as any of the fad diets out there. And it also gives me a little leeway with my juice fast. If I hit a point where I'm really protein hungry or just so hungry I know I'm going to break the fast, I'll go for an egg cooked the way I like (soft boiled). It's filling, unbelievably delicious when you're so hungry, and it's simple. It's also incredibly better than reaching for something processed. It's food. It's the exception to the vegetable-rich diet I'm currently basking in.

I hope you're having a successful juice fast and that you're experiencing new things as you journey.

I promise to get some good before pictures up here soon.

Just thoughts...

I woke up this morning to a world freshened by recent rain and it's going to be a beautiful day. I can't believe it's already day 4. I've lost 12 lbs. I have a lot to lose. So 12 makes sense, but to me right now it seems kind of amazing and unreal. But I feel better, too. I don't feel puffy and overfull. I don't feel waterlogged. I'm sure most of what I've lost as of today is water weight and I'm sure in a day or two it'll slow down. But that's okay. I just want to find balance.

I came up with a new concoction yesterday: juice pops. And they're kind of amazing. I'll add pictures later today, but let's just say these things are heaven on a juice fast. It adds some variety (texture is very nice when food and chewing are foregone) and still sticks to the plan. Love it!

Today my head hurts a bit again and my muscles are a bit sore. So much the better. Overall, I feel so much better. Stronger, healthier, and less weighed down by everything. 

I can't believe what a difference 4 days has made in the way I feel already. I've also found that a lot of the times when I want most to eat are more related to habit than to actual hunger. When I get home at the end of a day, I'm "hungry" but really I just want certain foods. I don't want juice. 

I don't feel hungry very often at all. This is a lot like my previous lengthy juice fast. I was never hungry, but also never satisfied. I'm hoping the popsicles take some of the edge off the feeling of wanting to chew. I remember that being a rather intense hurdle. I wanted to chew and thought about textures of different foods a lot. Honestly, the texture was probably more enticing than the flavors. 

It's also really helpful to have my husband going through this with me, but I know he'll only journey to a point, and then he'll need to eat again. When that time comes, I won't be the one cooking since I don't think that would work too well. I love cooking, so this is also a test of willpower to stay out of the kitchen. 

Hope you're all doing well on your journeys! Hang in there!

Raison d'Etre

"The world, like a great iris of an even more gigantic eye, which has also just opened and stretched out to encompass everything, stared back at him."..."No matter how hard you try to be what you once were, you can only be what you are here and now. Time hypnotizes. When you're nine, you think you've always been nine years old and will always be. When you're thirty, it seems you've always been balanced there on that bright rim of middle life. And then when you turn seventy, you are always and forever seventy. You're in the present, you're trapped in a young now or an old now, but there is no other now to be seen."

Ray Bradbury

The quote above really captures what it means to exist in the present. And it's great motivation when juicing. I made this morning's juice for myself and my sweet husband and then sent him off to his day of work. I'm writing this snuggled up with my Great Dane, Sheba and I'm trying desperately to think of things that have nothing to do with green juice or anything I might wish to stuff in my face. So, I'll write about Sheba. She can be my muse for today since she's the one going through this day with me.

I often learn a lot from my Sheba girl. More than I might expect to learn through a dog. You see, Sheba hasn't had an easy life at all. When she came to us, she had just had her final litter of puppes. She was the puppy mill. She had countless litters of puppies and was finally found on the side of the road so emaciated they had no idea she was pregnant until she delivered 7 healthy puppies. She was taken in by Rocky Mountain Great Dane Rescue and we found her through her puppies actually. 

The thing I learn through her most is based in how much her life exists in the present. No matter what she's been through, she simply exists in the moment she's given immediately. That doesn't mean she doesn't process things from before and she certainly anticipates what's coming (she loves meal time and reminds us about it long before the time comes each day). But her life isn't eternally marred by regret of the things she's lost because of her less-than-ideal past. And it's not ruined based on the uncertainty of her future. If she's warm, comfy, and with her humans, she's happy.

Above and to the right is a picture of Sheba soon after we brought her home. She didn't know how to play. When we gave her toys, she tried to nurse them since that was the only thing she knew to do. After lots of love and time, she finally started playing. The pictures on the left show the first time she ever played. And boy did she let loose and play with abandon. 

Sure she used to have nightmares and she'd wake up panting really hard. And she'd have post-traumatic freak-outs at other dogs. And she was turned away by bunches of trainers before we found the incredible Lisa Sickles. Sheba had to process her past, but it didn't mean she forgot to live in the present. She processed her past when she needed to, and she let it go when she didn't have to carry it.

Sheba's first day in Africa. She was
the size of their livestock.

Sheba with me after her bath
time at our compound in
Guinea-Bissau.

I'd love to tell you that the hard times in Sheba's life were over when she came to live with us, but she had difficult things in front of her, too. After a couple years, we moved with Sheba to Africa. We went to a small country called Guinea-Bissau in West Africa. You can read about that journey on another blog if you want to. It's a whole story of its own right. But for this, I want to focus on Sheba. She journeyed with us to a place she knew nothing about. She went because we were her people, she trusted us, and it was a journey we needed her to go on with us. And ever moment she was there, she lived in the present. She did much better than I did at not missing her old life. She adapted to what was around her because she was present in each moment, not concerned about what had been or what would be.

To the left are pictures of Sheba after a bath and also helping me with laundry. 

Sheba in a sept place on her ride back
to Dakar, Senegal on her trip home.

During Sheba's transit from here to Washington DC, she tore her ACL. We prayed for her. Her vet told us it would take a long time for it to heal. The vet said when she was able to walk on it, we'd know she was fine. We were flying to Africa in two days. So much not enough time for it to heal. And yet, the next day, she was running. To her, it wasn't incredible. She was just in the moment. Running. We were stunned.

Our first several weeks in Africa, I spent hours each day pulling over 100 ticks per day off of her body. Next, her face and ears swelled and she struggled to breathe. Then her ears developed hematomas, and those healed in a day with no surgical intervention. We kept our US vet on Skype calls a lot and she kept being amazed at how Sheba healed faster than she should. It should have taken weeks for the hematomas to subside with steroids alone. Again, we were surprised because we lived in teh reality of the past

Sheba's first day back in the USA.
Lots of sleeping.

Family picture in Africa.

While she was there with us, she chased away would-be robbers more than once. She was ferocious when she needed to be and loving the rest of the time. Who would think a Great Dane of all dogs would be the one to do all of this? 

We moved home early, and we went through tons of hoops to make sure she came home with us. Oddly, getting a gigantic dog to West Africa is simpler than bringing that dog home. But it happened and with the help of my dad, we were by her at every turn. 

The thing about Sheba's journey that strikes me most is that she went through it one moment at a time not knowing what the next moment would hold. See, for you and me, juicers, we know that if we stick to our plan, we'll see the results we want. We know what's ahead if we succeed, and if we fail. 

To the left is a picture of Sheba hiding under a bed during her first week in Africa. She spent a lot of her time in this spot that week. She wasn't sure what was happening and she felt safest in this spot. So sure, she was scared, but she never gave up. Each day, she remained herself. She enjoyed the sunshine, the company of her people, and good homemade food. She defended us and protected us. And she did come out from under the bed when she was ready, and she never crawled back under there. She allowed herself to spend the time she needed under that bed, and then she moved on. She spent four months in Africa and with each day, she grew more confident and content, regardless of the things she faced. 

We can push through, too. We have goals, and unlike Sheba, we've set our goals for ourselves. We're in control of the choices that affect our lives. There might be hurt in our past that's driven us to places of imbalance. For me there are. If that's the case for you, too, it's okay if you've spent some time hiding under the bed. I did. And then it's time to crawl out, be the best version of yourself you can be at each moment you're given. Combine those moments, and I'm sure we'll find we've met our goals. 

After Sheba came home, we put her in "retirement" as we recovered from the jolting disappointment of having to be home early. She was given nothing but walks, love, attention, and the best we could provide. We recognized that her life had been exceptional to that point, and as with any good service dog, she was given the best of retirement. But that's not to say her dark days were all behind her.

The picture on the left is of Sheba after one of the darkest days of her entire life...the key word here is after. The picture on the right is of Sheba in the middle of that worst day of her life. Sheba has had two major medical procedures. (So thankful for pet insurance through Healthy Paws--they've covered 90% of our expenses.) They were both cases where the vet wanted to publish her in medical journals afterward. Sheba is a miracle. I'm not sure why, I just know she is. Just as she made it through her travels in Africa, she kept the same indomitable spirit and her healing was nothing short of a miracle.

She went to the vet for stomach discomfort, and the x-ray showed slight hints of a possible twisted bowel. A twisted bowel isn't that big a deal. Her stomach had already been stapled to her side and so couldn't flip and the bowel isn't an emergency. So she went to a kennel and waited a couple hours as they prepped her for surgery. The picture on the right in the orange blanket is from that time of waiting. We waited moment by moment. And so did she. And none of us knew what would come of the waiting. We waited with her until they said we had to go home. It was midnight. Four hours later, we found out she had a medical anomaly that involved the twisting of all of the intestine matter around the blood supply to the Sheba's organs. It takes 8 minutes from when the intestines twist to when the tissue dies and the dog is as good as dead. That means usually when x-rays have been taken and read, it's already too late. The doctor has never seen a dog with this condition and they survive about 1% of the time. The vet kept telling us what a miracle it was that any dog would survive this, but especially a geriatric Great Dane. 

Sheba fell asleep playing with a bone.

Camping in a cabin a couple
months after her surgery.

She went through the difficulty moment by moment. And she lives presently in whatever moment she's in. It just so happens that her moments since that day have added up to an entire year. We estimate she's now between 8 and 10.5 years old. Very old for a Great Dane. But she just never quits. She wants to hike, and snuggle, and go camping, and play with the cat. 

Sheba leading us on a hike.

I really think that I'd benefit from being more like Sheba. This is one day of a juice fast. It's day 3. And I have control over only the things I'll do right now. I'm going to take the Sheba approach and make this moment count.

I don't regret moments gone by. I acknowledge that, as the Bradbury quote above says, we're living ever and only in the present moment. We have no other choice but to fully live in that moment. So we reach within ourselves and make the most of those moments. If not, we waste them. And they're not going to come back. I am so thankful to see the gray hairs on my Sheba's face because I know each one means she's lived another moment. 

So maybe today is tough for you. Embrace it. It'll make you stronger. Fight for your life because you're worth it and so is your life.

This is a battle for your life. I'm guessing you're like me and you're not doing a juice fast because you are curious what it feels like to live on liquid food for a long duration of time. That's the case for me. And I'm hoping to reset everything, not just my body. I'd like a total reset to my way of thinking. My approach to goals, to food, and to my own personal value.

I've recently stumbled on some very painful memories from my past and I need to heal from it. I am on a journey and, like Sheba, I will embrace each part of it. I will walk through it living presently in each moment. And when it's over, I hope to arrive at a new place, though still in the middle of a journey.

Day 2 Blues

Well, it's just like last time, and it's just like they say. Day 2 is a bummer. While my resolve is stronger, my body is not loving it. After yesterday's blog, I struggled a little to stick to the fast. Then I took myself in hand and decided not to regret the past, but to live well in the present.

Today I have a splitting headache (headaches are uncommon for me) and I feel halfway invigorated and halfway dead. I took a walk this morning and will finish my daily workout and then I'll go work on sanding and refinishing the play area in my back yard. It's just going to be one of those days.

On a positive note, I lost 5 lbs yesterday. Probably mostly water weight, but still. Not a bad start. I'm planning to get a camera and start the pictures soon.  I only don't have one because of a silly misstep I took in the Pacific Ocean a few months ago. I salt-water baptized the camera. But that's a story for a different blog. :)

Juice on juicers! Remember we're mighty and we have a purpose. Whenever things get tough, remind yourself that you live in one present moment at a time. You don't live 75 days of a juice fast at once. You live it moment by moment. You have control over just the moment you're in. So make each one count and know you're worth the effort!

Past, Present, Future: Off the Edge

I like to think about time. The only place in time that you can ever live is the present. That's it. You lived the past one moment at a time, and you will take care of the future one present moment at a time. I'm launching a present moment that will secure me a better future.

I have done a successful 30-day juice fast once before. When I did, I lost a bit more than a pound per day. It was tough. I was at a place in my life that was really challenging. I had recently returned from a major whole-life failed venture where I risked everything. I risked it all. My husband and I entirely dropped our lives and moved to Africa. I was so stressed, my body mimicked cancer symptoms. I came home from Africa after just two months of the intended four-year stint. It was devastating. Several months later, it was clear we weren't going to return to Africa, and I needed to become healthier, so I began a juice fast. I accomplished the fast and felt amazing. An unexpected side-effect was that I got rid of my terrible seasonal allergies.

My past includes a successful juice fast. So I've determined to make my present moment the jumping-off point for the rest of my life. This moment is a turning point for me. I want to move to a balanced life. I want to incorporate whole food choices into my life, and I want to turn away from the things that take from my future. 

So, since this is about the present, I want to focus on where I am today. I'll use it as a benchmark for a brighter tomorrow. Today I will work to strengthen my body and I'll work on my resolve to take care of myself in the ways I need to do so. 

Here's my breakdown of me at present. Today, I get winded when I hike to Horsetooth Falls near where I live. I don't hike terribly often, and that's because I don't like slowing other people down. I have terrible shin pain whenever I try to run and I'm working to correct my tight shins. I also have bad lower back pain often. This is from underdeveloped abdominal muscles. I am stuffy and my face feels tight and swollen from salt overload. My seasonal allergies are beginning to kick into high gear. From now to late June is when I usually sneeze more than 100 times per hour and I can barely function. I hope to see that change as I go through this juice fast. There's a weight component to this, too. As of today, I weight 216 lbs. I know I'm retaining lots of water and I know I'm also the heaviest I've ever been. I don't fit into most of my clothes.

This also comes at a pivotal time in my personal life. I've just left a job where I was working an extremely unhealthy number of hours per week. And some things from my childhood have been kicked back to the surface and I'm processing those things. I have time and the sense of personal security I need to really take time and work through these things. I want to shed everything I don't need and move into my future as the strongest and best version of myself that I can create with what I have today.

So here's my jumping off point. I'm kicking off a 75-day juice fast and I'm saying "goodbye" to the things that have held me back in every area of my life. This is ground zero.

Cheers to you and if you're starting a journey, I hope you kick it off well, too!